Why the World Didn't Need Superman Returns

Okay, warning. Exactly twenty four hours before I watched the Bryan Singer helmed 'Superman Returns', I was playing Blizzard and Sunsoft's 90's arcade scroller 'Death and Return of Superman'. Yeah, such small coincidences happen in the bigger picture, but we shall go onto that some other time.

That I just played two levels of the game and it had a higher body count than many many many other games I played is another matter. But I can't complain. It was the normal naughty nineties 'kapow - kachunk - ow - that - hurt - awesome - graphics - there - hey - look - whos - on - the - screen - now' game. Pure entertainment. Sadly, that can't be said of 'Superman Returns'.

One of the most hyped movies on the millennia, Superman Returns once more has Clark Kent return with a 'hey - I - am - back - duh - guess - my - girlfriends - taken - a - new - ride - and - I - am - gonna - find - for - the - millionth - time - kryptonite - isnt - my - cup - of - tea' attitude and a snide grin that would put 'Krrish' to shame. It's Brandon Routh in the red, blue and yellow togs, and word is that Brandon was told by Dana Reeve herself that he is the next Superman.

Now, I let good souls rest wherever they do rest, but I can assure you, Brandon Routh is no Superman. I don't know what you saw – if you saw – but Brandon Routh is tall, way too tall for Superman. He doesn't have the chest for Superman. I could almost count his ribs in that swanky suit he got. And it's said he worked the gym for this role. Well, certainly doesn't show.

Now, about the movie itself. It's a fashion nowadays to do what's called as 'fleshing out the characters'. These generally translates into mess and meddle around with their love lives – love lives, and heavily endowed female characters - which were generally created during the seventies and the nineties to keep adolescents and fresh teenagers still hooked on the book – and make a movie out of it. Fair, make a soap opera out of their love lives for all I care (there was, in fact, one television series which focused on the love life) but two and a half hour of a movie and all we get to see is the red suit wonder serenade a married woman?

And yes, he does serenade Lois Lane. How? He actually makes her place her feet on his and takes her for a walk, er, ride, er, flying ride, into the night. Cute, but very seventies, where's the modern romance? Where is the Superman rushing out to save Lois while some other tragedy occurs, well we could have Bat Man save the other tragedy, it's workable, they are both DC.

Now, for the plot. Kevin Spacey is Lex Luthor. Ok, I am rude, but Kevin Spacey is 'not' Lex Luthor. Kevin's a fine actor. He did K - Pac, but he's not Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor was a character which spawned a WWF character in the 1980s – he with the bionic forearm – and Spacey is not Luthor, period.

Spacey finds a crystal, which has the power to generate entire new worlds, but considerably destroying others while they are made, and therefore are evil. So, he comes back to civilization, with the single point plan of creating a new continent somewhere in the Atlantic ocean.

Along this time, Superman, who had gone to see if something was really abound in his destroyed hometown Krypton, returns. To find Lois Lane married and with child, and her even winning a Pulitzer for an article titled 'Why The World Doesn't Need Superman'.

So, while Lex goes around with his maniacal plan, Superman/Clark Kent tries to retcon his five year absence with Lois Lane. Needless to say, Lex gets the crystals, he gets kryptonite, he defeats Superman, and Superman is saved by Lois Lane and family, Superman returns, throws away the continent and makes sure his dog isn't around to fetch it.

To start with, Superman, the greatest hero of all times, doesn't deliver a single punch anywhere in the movie. The only scenes in which we understand that Superman is indeed a Superhero fighting for the cause of justice (and we don't mean no continents being made, we mean simple old ladies getting their handbags back, know those scenes?) is when he foils a bank robbery. That's about it for the superhero business, other than that, he's busy serenading a married Lois Lane.

Oh, I forget… Kryptonite. When will Superman understand that Kryptonite is not his thing? Every cartoon, everything I have read and seen about Superman has him finally facing some kryptonite thing, Oh, give me a break! Get him armor or something. We have had too much of this kryptonite business!

Where are the legendary fights? Where is the one scene which would have made Superman a hero for today? The X Men too had to wait for three movies before they were taken in seriousness by this generation.

The special effects are world class. But guys, Bryan Singer acts like an adolescent who has a mature girlfriend. He can show her off, but doesn't know what to do with her!

If I want to see awesome graphics, I'll sit at home and watch the TV serials on Star World, if I want to see unbelievable feats, I'll sit at home and watch Ripley's Believe it or Not. I come to theatres wanting to see Superman bash up villains of all kinds!

Anyway, Mr. Singer, I want my money back. I live in a third world developing country and I paid around 240 rupees (roughly 5 dollars) for the movie. I do Paypal, contact me about the payment details.





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Roy D'Silva

Roy Daniel D'Silva is a content writer who has written content on various topics on the Internet, right from dating to computer technologies.

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